Who's Teacher Now?
by TheGirlInTheRedPoofballHat
Summary: Eric Cartman is delighted to have been appointed student teacher for the day... and he's determined to make his authoritah known to a certain Jewish classmate. Based on the -tragically too short- classroom scene from the episode "Eek, a Penis!" S12.


**Hello... I don't usually say anything to accompany what I write, but I felt like it this time so: this is loosely based on a scene near the beginning of the episode Eek, a Penis! in season 12 where Cartman is appointed substitute teacher and gets out a blackboard pointer which he sort of inexplicitly threatens the others (initially Kyle) with and asks Kyle if he "likes that" (the idea of being hit with a blackboard pointer I assume) as well as telling him to address him as "Mr. Cartman"... of course, I read dirty things into it...**

**A few lines are pretty much direct from it but from there it sort of descends into... weirdness.**

**Also, I actually did something like these ages ago before I had an account on here (because I didn't want people to read when I'd written and didn't think it very good.)**

**While I was writing this it actually kind of upset me because it actually seemed quite cruel and vicious and I really really love Kyle (even though it seems I just like writing about him being physically abused) so I kind of stopped writing for that reason.**

**However if anyone actually reads/reviews I might actually decide to deliver on the implied promise of future goings-on. As long as you know I only write about Kyle having all this stuff done to him because I want to protect him and... yeah, you get the idea. XD**

Of course, Eric was always delighted by any opportunity to exert his Authoritah.

The reverence of his classmates, including pussy-hippie Stan, the Jewrat Kyle Broflovski and Kenny, the poor piece of crap who he generally accepted as his closest ally, was something he often longed for and now, he had it unconditionally for the whole afternoon.

He couldn't have been more delighted that Garrison's psychological problems had come to a head... excusing the pun, of course.

Mr. Cartman, as he decided he would be known, tapped his hand with a blackboard pointer.

"Well, well, well. Who's teacher now?"

"You're not the teacher, fatass."

"That's Mr. Cartman to you, Jewrat... show any disrespectful again and you'll find out firsthand how I deal with impertinence in my lessons."

He swished the blackboard pointer against a table.

Oh, how he longed carry through that threat; hear the Jewrat mewl in pain... submissive to his dominance...

He just needed an excuse.

Well, he didn't need an excuse. An excuse would just maximise his enjoyment.

Eric smiled with a mixture of genuineness and insincerity; "now I think about it, why don't you come up here, Kahl? Maybe you could help everyone start off this lesson..."

Grudgingly, the redhead stumbled over and stood in front of Eric, his arms defiantly crossed in front of him... Kyle had a tendency to humour, unless a request conflicted seriously with his moral intuitions... although this certainly wasn't his idea of fun.

"What - is - it?" He growled through gritted teeth.

"What - is - it, Sir..." Eric prompted, savouring every moment of being in control.

"What - is – it...? Sir..." Kyle scowled as much as he could; pouting his bottom lip.

"Well, Kahl, I was just thinking you could do some math problems for me and maybe write a little poetry, seeing as you enjoy it so much. I'll give you an incentive. Get the answer right and you'll only be getting caned across your hands; a wrong answer, and I'm afraid those lovely dark green pants will be coming down."

"That's it. I'm out." Kyle announced flatly.

Eric grabbed at a frizzy clump of hair, pulling the Jew towards him.

"Don't think you're going anywhere, Jewrat," He breathed into his ear, his lips almost brushing against it. He could feel Kyle shuddering involuntarily...

"If you try to, I assure you, the consequences will be much, much, worse."

With cases like Scott Tenorman as evidence, Kyle could hardly count on this threat being empty.

"Besides, everyone here is more than willing to assist me... aren't you guys...?" He waved the pointer at the class for emphasis. No one rejected this assumption; Butters, Clyde and a few others even edged towards the door to block the single escape route.

It didn't look to Kyle as though he would be getting away any time soon. Eric released him.

"We'll start with the first question then. 70 x 14."

Kyle considered this for a minute.

"980." He said finally.

Eric raised an eyebrow, "touché, Jew. He got one right. I guess not all Jews are completely stupid."

He paused, "hold out your hand."

"No way! I got it right...!"

"Yes, and you clearly forgot the rules. Maybe I was being too soft on you... you need a little more chastisement perhaps..."

A pause.

"Hold out your hand."

The redhead did so, gritting his teeth.

Cartman raised the pointer, measuring distances for a moment; then slashed it down.

His inexperience was all too apparent in the cane's effect.

However, for Kyle -who sucked the tips of his fingers where the cane had bit into them, breathing heavily- it made what he felt all the more painful.

He wasn't going to give Cartman the satisfaction of seeing him weakened... but nevertheless, tears welled in his large, green eyes.

He found comfort in telling himself that this was an automatic reflex to that form of pain.

"Two more on that hand, Kahl."

The redhead felt slightly nauseous, though he no longer felt able to react to Cartman's cruelty was shock or protest.

He simply extended the right hand again, now slightly curled at his fingertips, dropping to his knees as he did.

He hated himself for being submissive.

Cartman continued to punish the same hand, slashing the pointer down with even more glee and vehemence than before. This time the two raised, purplish-white lines crossed each other; their perpetrator's skill seeming to increase each time...

Kyle writhed on the ground, adopting a cross-legged position... rubbing his injured hand furiously against his stomach, under his shirt, in a vain attempt to cool it against his skin.

He pulled his hand out again and licked it frantically, willing his saliva to ease the sting.

Cartman grabbed him by his collar; dragging the injured redhead him back up onto his knees; prising the sullen yet wide-eyed boy's left hand from his side and forcing it until it was flat.

As soon as Cartman had gripped his wrist Kyle scrunched up his hand.

Cartman cracked the pointer down across his knuckles.

Kyle gave a frenzied yelp and flattened his hand, allowing his "teacher" to direct 3 strokes at the softest, fleshiest part; each one directly on top of the one before... cutting in until droplets of blood struggled to escape from his palm.

This time, he remained silent except for an inaudible gasp as each stroke hit. He was too exhausted... wracked with pain... to cry out any longer.

Finding himself released the Jew lay on his back.

A single tear dripped down his cheek and onto the floor.

**Someone, who I can't private message, sent me a review suggesting that Stan and Kenny would have been likely to help Kyle in this situation. I agree! Well, not so much Kenny. I absolutely love Kenny (possibly as much as Kyle; just in a different way) so this is nothing against him, but I see him very much as an individual and, though he is known to be self-sacrificial in larger-scale, life-or-death situations I think is generally very much "for himself" - he has been known to side with Cartman at times (they are, after all, technically best friends) and I think in his view Kyle being mildly beaten around would not compare to his constant suffering, in terms of dying in painful/grotesque ways all the time and them not caring. He doesn't seem to care hugely about Stan or Kyle on an emotional level, as a general impression, or about anyone really - to me it's just more a case of him accepting his duty to be heroic as a result of his immortality. However, I LOVE Kenny.**

**Now whether you think Kenny is likely to help Kyle or not (I'm not ruling out the possibility that he would), it's true that Stan almost certainly would without question. HOWEVER. I did [not] want this to turn into a Style story! I spend half my life writing Style-related things (although I don't necessarily publish it)! The problem is this is essentially supposed to be one-sided Kyman -if anything (it's more just Cartman enjoying being in charge)- and if I had included the slightest hint of Stan-protecting-Kyle my fingers on the keyboard would have taken on a life of their own and had them giving each other hand jobs in the bathroom within minutes! This was not supposed to be that kind of story! So I basically had to completely avoid that to stop myself going off the intended topic.**

**Basically, suspend disbelief.**

**Giving Stan a role in this would either have resulted in irrelevance purely for the sake of keeping extra-in-character which in my mind, equates to extreme PC-ness... it's like I already know their characters extremely well! I don't feel a need to make it EXACTLY like it would be in the show to prove my knowledge! In any case, if it was super-in-character in terms of their actions the whole thing just wouldn't work for what it's supposed to be and I would waste far too much time reaffirming to readers what I assume they already know, i.e. that Stan and Kyle are Super Best Friends and that Stan is inevitably going to try and defend Kyle if Cartman does anything to him.**

**... The other risk is, as stated somewhere above, that it would have become a complete and unwavering Style-sex-fest.**

**As I didn't want either, I decided to completely avoid Stan having a role... also I know a lot of Kyman fans get annoyed when you write stories where Cartman-is-mean-to-Kyle-and-Stan-jumps-in-and-protects him so I wanted to avoid that in general...**

**If it makes it easier, assume Stan isn't there/is off-sick... and assume Kenny has died somehow at that point (maybe that's why Cartman has been made substitute teacher... given this isn't intended as a direct copy of the Eek, a Penis! scene... just inspired by it) and hasn't come back in yet. I just wanted to focus on Kyle/Cartman and not take into account the reactions of other characters. I find it difficult to focus on lots of things at once.**

**Another person asked me if they are in fourth-grade here. I don't know and I don't think it really matters. There's actually nothing sexual about it... certainly no more than in something like Imaginationland! They can be if you want to think of it as being basically a slightly-expanded on version of the E,AP! scene; however if you want to view it as a completely separate scenario that just happens to be similar and takes place when they are 8 or so years older that's fine too! I don't really like to make a point of their age because I think it's obvious that a lot of their views and actions are already teenage/adult -what real-life 9-year-old goes to Malibu on their own, for example (Stan and Kenny in The Passion of the Jew), or is able to convince an entire town of adults to agree with their views on politics/religion/economics/child-rearing/social networking/commercialism/saving the environment/the nature of reality/government legislation/whatever else, with eloquent rhetoric (Stan and Kyle in most episodes). I don't think it matters what figure I give for their age (hence why there isn't one) because they're still going to be written as the same people – I assume that's what fanfiction readers want. I mean I've read some stuff where they've been written as 20-year-olds and completely unlike themselves –i.e. very plain and generic- and it was horrible! But equally I don't think a number really means much. So I'll just leave it open.**


End file.
